She should have been called Joy…

December 30, 2010 · Filed under Uncategorized

I stood on the stage behind the keyboard. It was time to play the closing song. Our pastor invited those who wanted prayer to come forward. I knew that this was one time I really needed to hit my knees and get prayer. I  stepped down off the stage and poured my heart out to God.

It was March 2006. My husband and I were in the process of leaving our church of 4 years to join a young church in another town. We had 6 kids, and the youngest was to turn 1 at the end of the month. I was still nursing her. Our oldest was 11 1/2.  My period was two weeks late, and I knew what that meant. I was pregnant. I didn’t need a test.

As I knelt “at the altar”, I cried out to God to take this baby from me. I had so many other things I wanted to do with my life rather than be pregnant or nursing. I wanted to do more with worship. I wanted to get my body back. I wanted to stop changing diapers. I wanted to go out with friends, have some me time. I also didn’t want to experience the fatigue and discomfort of being pregnant. I didn’t want to be a burden to my family once again. I was afraid of what my friends and family would say. I hated the judgmental glares or comments like “You know what causes this right?”

I begged God to end this pregnancy or change my heart.

Neither of those things happened right then. But a couple of weeks later, I was at a conference. I felt lead to pray for a couple of women. While we prayed, my heart changed…one of them was pregnant…with twins…I realized as I prayed for her that I was being extremely selfish. I realized that God knew my desires. He knows my heart. God loves and cares for me. What started as me praying for one of them, lead to them praying and being instrumental in healing my broken heart.

An amazing thing happened in that pregnancy. All the symptoms I normally had during pregnancy, I didn’t experience. I had no nauseousness, no fatigue, no sinus problems, no pain from my varicose vein. Also, God worked it out that I was able to birth my first child at home. Truly a miracle. I had a very blessed special birth experience with Hanna.

As soon as Hanna was born, I was filled with such joy and delight. God humbled me in that moment. I am ashamed that at first I actually didn’t want her. 

To this day, Hanna is joy…pure joy.

God knew what our family needed. We needed Hanna. When my eldest (who really wanted a boy) saw Hanna for the first time, he was overwhelmed with love for her and exclaimed, “She is so beautiful.” To this day, she has him wrapped around her finger. He would do anything for Hanna.

Through Hanna, I learned that God desires to richly bless us. He doesn’t have it “out for us”. We may not understand, but if we have faith and trust in His plans, we will be richly blessed.